word of the year - 2023
2023 was one of the best years of my life. I’m crying tears of joy even thinking about the year (maybe because i’m also listening to one of my favorite songs of all time, “It’s Not Living If It’s Not With You - LIVE”). I’ve been reviewing photos and videos from the year and have so much to share. This entry will likely be a bit all over the place.
First off, my word was JOY. I needed a year to release myself from myself. I wanted to isolate myself earlier because I just couldn’t handle the world anymore. I had a feeling of deep apathy, much different than depression which I have also lived with. I wanted to close all my blinds and sit in silence… but I also craved all the adventures I wanted to have. I notice when I live too much in my head, I live in paradoxes and it exhausts me.
The initial winter months were tough but meaningful. This feeling of apathy and self-loathing lasted through the beginning of the year, as much as I wanted to snap out of it. But I braved the storm regardless. I took adventures outside of my comfort zone knowing I would have some social anxiety (which I did), I ensured I was 100% present for my parents’ visits to me in Los Angeles, I sat and enjoyed the 40 days and nights of intense rain that LA endured, I began my writing journey once again (it took multiple forms), moved my best friend Tara away, took a road trip to Ojai with my sister (once again ensuring I was present), and sure enough, I started healing.
In this phase, I learned -
Sometimes you just have to do it anyway. Whatever you don’t feel like doing. You just have to do it and keep doing it until you figure out what it is you really need/desire.
This is a little paradoxical from the statement above - but those things you don’t want to do - when you realize they actually don’t fill your cup - STOP DOING THEM. I left events in LA feeling drained and unhappy and like an outcast. And it’s because I don’t like being around people who aren’t authentic, I don’t love drinking constantly, I require nature in my bones like medicine. Most importantly, I was doing things just so I had something to do - but felt like I was living someone else’s life.
Support your friends. They are your family. You can bring someone so much validation and happiness by encouraging them to follow their gut and sending them positive energy. Surround yourself with people who do the same for you and you will never feel lonely.
Family is everything. Living on the opposite coast as my parents, my time with them is very limited. I want to soak up every moment I get with them by being 100% present, even if they’re driving me nuts. Same with my sister. They know me better than anyone on this planet and I adore them more than words could ever express.
Spring came around and I was feeling more and more healed. Still not fully me, but not the hermit I was. I started paying attention to my body and its needs - not just my social needs like I was focused on in the beginning of the year. I paid attention to food and how it made me feel. I started really taking care of my skin, using only natural products, treated myself to massages, face laser to get rid of acne scarring, and bought clothes that actually accentuated my body vs being trendy. I developed my first crush in ages. We started sister game nights with my sister, her girlfriend, and her girlfriend’s sister. I entered the last year of my twenties by celebrating with close friends in my backyard. I knocked the California Super Bloom off my list (although I’ll go any year we have it, because it’s exceptional) by hiking in Malibu. I connected with old friends, including my foreign exchange student from high school. I traveled to London for the first time and tried high tea (bleck), did a solo trip to Florence where I took a cooking class, met a boy who drove me around on his vespa, resaw the city I love so dearly from new eyes, spent time with friends at a wedding in Stresa, and explored Milan for the first time ever. I expanded my circle. I hosted a themed dinner party. I spent time with friends who bring me so much joy - and learned going out doesn’t have to be such a “scene”. Here’s what I learned:
You can love your body even when it’s not where you want it to be. It’s actually the best time to love your body - because then you learn it, and how to treat it with respect. And like it’s yours. And then you slowly gain more love for yourself. I embraced the body I had and gained so much confidence.
The people you surround yourself with are the most important part of your life. Good people = good life. So get out there and dedicate your very limited time on this earth to the people who you love and who love you unconditionally.
Oh - and you need to be around community! Even when you don’t feel like it. Humans are meant to be around humans. Be honest with people on where you’re at. Take chances on getting to know people. And never spend toooooo much time alone. And watch out for energy vampires!
Okay, summertime. This was my best time. As it always is. I love summer. I feel like summer most of the time. I continued to be social in settings and developed another crush who opened me back up to romance! I focused on activities that bring me joy - road trip, hikes, sunsets, flea markets, etc. The biggest shift for me this year happened in this time period - I leaned into work by focusing on the positives. And sure enough, once I did, I realized that I actually LOVE my job, the people I work with, the work that I do. I hired a life coach who helped me take the pressure off myself to be a world-renowned spiritual guru and public speaker and executive coach tomorrow, and instead focus on the joy and fulfillment I could feel in my current situation. This also allowed me to feel all other emotions I had locked down for years, and let me tell you. That was life-changing. I learned how to FEEL again. Like really actually feel. Holy crap. So much energy and many blockages were released during this time. I felt light, and radiant, and confident, and lovely, and like life was okay, truly truly okay. I spent more quality time with family, my best friend from high school came to visit for the first time and we saw Taylor Swift, attended another girly dinner party, started my work out routines, went to summer outdoor concerts, traveled to Croatia and Mallorca with some great girly pops, saw extended family, got another new crush, visited my best friend in San Diego for more spa days, and HEALED. Like, really really healed. The timeframe of July - September of 2023 was transformative and will be an era I remember for the rest of my life. Here’s what I learned -
Feel your emotions as they arise. Always take the time to feel your emotions. Always. No matter how uncomfortable they may be. You’ll get through it.
Anxiety isn’t something you have to overcome. You just learn how you live with it by befriending it (but not being best friends with it).
Life is fun with a little crush.
Singing and dancing is another way to heal. Do it as often as you can.
Routines are good. You should have them. And stick to them.
Take the pressure off yourself. And remove the self-criticism. When you do, you’ll be free. I learned how to quiet the mean voices in my head that were constantly judging me. I was such a mean girl to myself. But that mean girl isn’t there anymore. For the first time in my whole life!
Take care of people. Extend your thoughtfulness and generosity. The world needs it.
Okay, Fall time. These were months of ups and downs, and even more healing. I saw The 1975 for the second time, helped an LA best friend celebrate her 30th birthday, spent lots of time working and with work people. I went to London again (for work), and had the most lovely time - I liked it way better this time around. I could see myself living there for a short time period! I discovered breathwork. I ‘dated’ someone, the first person I think I’ve really liked since my ex from years ago. It was an upsy downsy type relationship, but I learned that I have a deep capacity for love. I got to stand up for myself and prove to myself that I am evolved and have so much self respect. And I ultimately know who and what I want in a romantic life partner. I visited NYC for work and caught up with friends new and old. I saw the Japanese House (another top 5 band) live in LA - who I’m listening to now as I type this! I continued to take care of my body. I spent Thanksgiving in Florida with family. I tried out temporary arm tattoos (I will not be getting them). And, here we are. Here’s what I learned:
I have a deep capacity for love. Whoever has me as their life partner is going to be very lucky. ;) But I’ll be lucky too, because I know I’ll be with someone caring and kind and loving and funny and wonderful who loves life like I do.
It’s GOOD to have deep connections. It teaches you about yourself and about life.
Reading is important, but make sure to balance non-fiction with fiction. Get out of that pretty little head of yours.
Music can change lives and make you feel things you’ve never felt before. It’s also a basic way for humanity to come together as a community and build connection through eliciting similar feelings.
You’re allowed to love your job and love to make money. As long as you don’t allow it to prevent you from building other parts of your life and being balanced.
Anxiety is a hard affliction to live with. You must continue to find ways to work through those emotions and take care of your mental health. You must, you must, you must.
I love seeing the world.
Spirituality, prayer, connection to the divine, are facets in my life. I need [it] like I need my body to live. When I lose my connection with the universe, I find myself veering away from joy and alignment.
Signs are everywhere. You can communicate with the divine at any time, and it responds so quickly. And the universe really truly does have your back.
Find ways to connect daily and add them to your routine.
Thank you, 2023. (The song that just came on is “Seasons” - 6lack, Khalid - oh, the synchronicity). The universe works in such beautiful ways. Thank you universe for a wonderful year of healing and transformation. Funny that I was so focused on transformation and healing for 4 years and it wasn’t until I released and focused on joy that I actually got joyful. I thank you for the lessons, the tears, the movement, the love, the connections, the beauty, the travel, the feelings of desperation and hurt and loss and pain, the feelings of euphoria and of self-love and of gratitude. I thank you for reality TV and for the gift of laughter and for pizza and for airplanes even though they frighten me.
“A beautiful summer is calling…”
