raw

tonight is a real rambler… lots of swirly thoughts.

maybe the reason for my rich inner world is the true unlock from feeling the range of emotions. maybe I connect so much with music to revive those emotions that live inside me always. I know there’s a deep part of me that enjoys the morose and melancholy, the toxicity.. it keeps things interesting. maybe I experience what I experience to awaken the deep thoughts and emotions out of me and bring them into the world in a colorful and energetic way. I feel the same way much of the world feels… that maybe no one will ever fully understand me. or worse, maybe I’ll never fully understand myself. Is to know oneself to love oneself? I think I might be addicted to the inner drama I create. It lets me be hidden, not seen or exposed. Even though I so desperately want to be seen and loved for what comes to surface.

Feel now. Be now. Enjoy now. Now, now, now.

I don’t want to ever kiss the melodrama goodbye.

The last little bugger, I believe, is self-esteem. Or self-love? I swore up and down that I had learned to love myself, but sometimes I think it went closer to cocky than confident, and cocky is actually the reverse of high self-esteem. Alas, I think I still have some work in the department of love-myself-no-matter-what. I notice little negative language leaving my lips more often than I think I’m even fully aware of. I ooze it sometimes.

I’m happiest when my thoughts are colorful. It makes me want to be vibrant. And have my outward reflect my inward. The synesthesia certainly helps with it, I suppose.

The best feeling in the world is unleashing femininity. It’s where I feel free. When I can just be my most feminine self. And what does that mean to me? And I think I’m learning… discipline might be feminine. What a sham(e)!!

I do do things to prove to myself. It’s so fucked. I want to always be right. I think I am always right. So I choose experiences that make me right. I choose the situations that make me feel unloved. I used to choose the situations that made me feel stupid until one day I realized I was quite smart. All it took was a perspective shift and a rule change - I focused on where I was smart and didn’t believe when people made me feel a certain way. And one day, I just felt smart - and could laugh at my ditziness instead of judging myself for it. But as easy as I choose, I change. I can change in an instant. So one day, I can just choose to change my perspective. And focus on all the love I do have. And all the opportunity for relationships around me. And a little bit of… so what if I DON’T have love? What then? I’m still alive, and there’s still passion and opportunity and experiences.

And with that, I think I must sign off. Too much thinking tonight and while it feels I’m scratching different parts of my brain, I also want to turn it off. It doesn’t need to constantly be spinning.

<3

Dara Rose